


That's Exactly Where I Lost It

by andiebeaword



Series: Spencer Reid Teen+ One Shots [7]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Addiction, Cocaine, Diladud, F/M, Tough Love, Truths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24565315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andiebeaword/pseuds/andiebeaword
Summary: Spencer sees Maddy at a coffee shop. She gives him a to-go cup then takes off. He follows her...to a meeting. They become friends...Spencer wants more but..he feels he can't.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Spencer Reid Teen+ One Shots [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115525
Kudos: 8





	That's Exactly Where I Lost It

"I watched the proverbial sunrise  
Coming up over the Pacific and..."

It's roughly around 5:00 a.m. in the midst of L.A. The BAU is on yet another gruesome case. Spencer Reid is quick to dodge the piercing eyes of his colleagues, managing to slip by them and make his way to his hotel room. It had been a rough one. They all had about an hour or so until the jet was due to take them back home. He decided to take a moment and walked out onto the balcony, just in time to see the sun rise. It was beautiful. He rarely ever thought to get up early enough to simply enjoy it. But, this case was a particularly rough one. Especially for Spencer. 

"You might think I'm losing my mind,  
But I will shy away from the specifics..."

Back home, there was girl who frequents Spencer's favorite coffee shop. He never got her name. He was afraid that if he did, he'd eventually want to know more, and the more he would learn about her, the more she would want to know and ask of him. And there was one thing he couldn't bare of her to ask... So, back in his hotel room, he gets out his messenger bag and fumbles with the hidden compartment pouch. He grabs the needle and the vile before crouching in front of the bed. In no time at all, he preps his forearm, grazing over the marks from the previous month. 

"'cause I don't want you to know where I am"

Once he and his team have landed, he decides to stop at said coffee shop. He doesn't think anything of it, because he knows she only works the evening shifts. He was simply expecting to be able to relax and read a book or two with his coffee in peace, while also debating on attending the NA meeting he knew was scheduled for later that day. As he opened the door, he heard the familiar ding the bells made to let the employees know another happy customer was expecting the generosity and hospitality the small coffee shop stood by. 

He saw her. She was the cashier with a welcoming smile on her lips. 

"Hey, you," she smirks. Her freckled face was littered with an expression that took as familiar, like she knows me. 

"Hi, um, can I just get a large black coffee, please?" he asks. She nods and grabs a to-go cup and a purple sharpie. "I was actually, um, going to sit over there. I don't need a to-go cup. A mug is just fine, thanks," he says, unsure of himself. 

"Oh, sorry, I just, um, figured you'd need it anyway," she stutters. "Well, I'll be sure to remember for next time. Can I get your name?" she pleads. 

He thought about it. She clearly wants to know his name. Knowing names couldn't hurt, can it?

"Spencer," he says, with a smile. She smiles right back. She quickly makes up his coffee, letting him know that the cream and sugar are across from them over at the other counter. Just as she hands him his cup, she looks over her shoulder and hollers and the other cashier. Next thing Spencer knows, the girl is rushing her way out the door. Hmm...maybe I did want this to-go cup. He finishes making his coffee to his liking, then strolls out the door after her. He catches her just before she turns a corner. Luckily, his long legs carry him pretty far with little effort. 

"'cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been."

Once he figures out where it is she was headed, he stops. No way. No fucking way. He takes in a breath and slowly lets it out before he opens the double doors and walks through. He quickly finds a seat far enough away from her, but not too far. Then a guy gets up and introduces himself. "Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous, anyone care to start?" Spencer never goes first. In fact, most times, he is last to go, or doesn't share at all. 

"Sure, I'll go," says the girl. She rises from her seat and makes her way to the front by the mic. "Hello, my name is Maddy," she speaks. 

"Hi, Maddy," everyone else says in unison. Maddy, Spencer thought. 

"So, as most you know, I struggle with cocaine. I have only been clean this time for about three weeks. It's hard. I don't do well in crowds, or with a huge group of people, particularly strangers, but thank you all for always making me feel welcome. I, uh, came in today, because I saw someone I have a ridiculous crush on come into where I work for the first time in weeks. Like I said, I don't fair well around others, especially strangers. And this guy, he is a very handsome stranger," she takes a breath, glancing over in Spencer's direction. She knows he's here. Question that comes to her mind though is, is he here because he followed me, or is he a druggie, too? "Anyway, um, that's um, he's, well, my trigger," she finishes, then hops off the stage and back to her seat. 

Spencer is dumbfounded. She couldn't have been talking about me...could she? He pushes the thought to the back of his mind, subconsciously raising his hand to the back of his neck and scratching an itch by his hairline he suddenly had. "Sir, would you care to speak next?" the older gentleman asked. 

"I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough."

"Who, me?" Spencer asks, before shrugging his shoulders and making his way up to the stage. Here goes nothing, he thought. "Well, um, hi, my name is Spencer," he mumbles, barely loud enough for the quiet room to hear. "I, uh, usually, attend the NA meetings down the street, but I figured I was due for a change in scenery," he chuckles. Maddy is staring at him, wide-eyed. "So, long story short, I, uh, work for the FBI and while on the job, I, uh, got kidnapped and drugged," he spoke, clearly and precise. "The drug he used was dilaudid. I was clean for a couple of years, but, uh, this past week has been almost too much to endure..." he trails off, unsure just how much he really should share, knowing Maddy's ears are listening. "I, uh, kinda sort of decided last minute to walk in here, hoping that maybe by being here, I would have my mind changed about not stopping," he clears his throat. After he gives the room a small nod, he quickly paces himself back to his seat. 

A few more walk up and share their stories, then, about an hour later, Spencer musters up the courage to talk to Maddy. "Hey, um, Maddy, is it?" he asks, giving her a small smile. She had been sitting in her seat still, her mind reeling over why he was there. It had to be because of her. She just knew it. 

"Oh, hi, yes, and you are Spencer?" she retorts. He nods. "Well, Spencer, would you mind joining me for lunch?" He gives her an odd look, he eyebrow raised at her. "I don't know about you, but I could sure use a friend who knows at least somewhat of what I'm going through," she smirks. He nods again. 

"Lead the way, Maddy," he says. 

"I heard the reverberating footsteps

Synching up to the beating of my heart,And I was positive that unless I got myself together,I would watch me fall apart."

~♥~

Three years later, Spencer and Maddy were the best of friends. She later confessed that he was indeed the guy she had referred to the day they met. He began to feel more comfortable sharing with her details about his cases, even the ones that still got to him. They both made promises that if ever one of them feels the need to take their drug of choice, that they would call the other, no questions asked. It was their secret, their bond. 

Maddy still crushed on Spencer, but accepted that her feelings were unrequited, since Spencer never bothered to initiate that he saw her as anything more than a good friend. She eventually found herself a decent-looking guy, one who made it obvious he liked her, by practically stalking her in the coffee shop. She used similar tactics that she had done on Spencer, but Nick was taking them and giving attention back. 

One night, she found Nick in their apartment, bottle of Jack in his hand, a cigarette in the other. He had just lost his fourth job in five months. They were getting behind on rent. She wanted to tell Spencer, but at the same time, she didn't want him to necessarily save the day, either. She walked over to Nick, arms crossed in front of her. She then, proceeded to break up with him, telling him he needed to leave now, and that she would pack up his stuff for him and leave it for his sister to grab the next day. Lucky for her, he didn't own a whole lot of shit. As expected, he began yelling at her, then sobbing, before pleading she give him another chance. She heard it so often, she pretty much had his speech memorized to the T. 

"Mads...please don't do this, I can fix this, I can change," he pleads. She shook her head. She grabbed his keys from the hook, took off the one to the apartment and threw them at him, hitting him in the face before they fell to his feet. Next thing she knew, he slapped her across the face before picking up his keys. "You will regret this, Maddy, and I'll be waiting when you do," he scoffs. Just as the door slammed shut, she fell to the floor in sobs. 

Nick was a coke addict, too. He got her fall back into old habits, though she never came clean to Spencer. She knew it would break him. 

~♥~

"I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.And the things bottled inside have finally begun To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up."

It had now been a little over a month since she saw Spencer. They texted daily, but he had been gone for a long while on a case, one that had been blasted everywhere on the news. Good thing Maddy didn't have cable. She was slowly finding her way back to normal, blocking Nick from calling her, even changing the locks, with Spencer being to only one to have a spare key. She even lied to Spencer about Nick. The first time he had come over and Nick's things were around the apartment, she told him that they belonged to her brother who needed a place to crash, and that he partied a lot. Which Nick did, without her. It had been at one of those parties that she fell down the rabbit hole once more. 

She was both scared and anxious while awaiting the day Spencer would return. She sent him a quick text asking to meet up and that she could feel herself slipping. She knew he would know what she meant. It didn't take long for her to see that he'd replied back. For the first time in weeks. She managed to stay in her living room, aware that the remainder of her coke was in the bathroom. She still wasn't sure how much of the truth she'd tell Spencer. She needed her best friend. More than anything. 

knock, knock. 

She jumped. She glanced over at the clock on the wall. 2:43 a.m. She hadn't even realized that she had stayed up that late. She grabbed a bottle of green apple flavored vodka and took a big swig before making her way to the front door. She opened it, hesitantly, remembering that Spencer had his own key. The man before her sure as hell wasn't Spencer. It was Nick. 

"Look, baby, I'm sorry," his voice quivered. He looked drenched as if it had been raining out all day. She felt slight sympathy for him, but decided to keep her door as close to her as possible while still leaving it open for conversation. She suddenly realized she needed closure here. 

"Look, Nick, I broke up with you for a reason," she started. "I want to be clean. And with you, I can't be. I know you don't love me. I am just a fix you think you need. I used to think I needed it to, but now, I just-just, I can't anymore. Please understand," she pleaded. She saw the look in eyes, one telling her that he understood. 

"You may be right, Mads, but, I-" his voice trails off. He doesn't push her farther. "If that's what you want, then I'll go," he nods, making his way down the hall, then down the stairs. Maddy still lurking with her door open, almost hoping that Spencer would show up. What she didn't know was that Spencer had gotten there just minutes before Nick. He was contemplating on what to say, and in that time, noticed Nick at Maddy's door. He heard the entire thing. As Nick left, Spencer hid underneath the stairs on the next floor. He thought about going up to see her, knowing that she was awake. But he just couldn't....knowing that she lied to him, her best friend, about her boyfriend, and about her using again. He decided he wasn't ready to deal, so he waited until he heard her door close, then walked out. 

Once he got back to his place, he thought about taking diludad. He also thought about Maddy. He called her Mads...she never let me call her that. He pushed the thought deep down, chasing it with some brandy he had in his fridge. As he was opening it, he heard the lock of his front door turn. 

"Spencer? Can we talk?" It was Maddy. 

"What is there to talk about, Maddy?" he asks. Unsure whether she knew he had been there at her place earlier, or not. 

"I-I lied to you, Spence, and I know hurt you, our friendship, but-I could really use a friend right now, please...." her words trailed off a she spoke them. He could hear her quivering. He let himself silently forgive her, but he still wanted to know the whole story. 

"Your brother wasn't staying with you at all, was he?" he asked. Her features tightened, giving him his answer. "Why did you lie to me about having a boyfriend, especially one who you clearly followed down the rabbit hole with?" Now, Spencer feels nothing but anger. 

"Um, no, my-my brother died years ago. And I never told you about Nick, because I couldn't admit to you or myself at first, that I had given in, again-I thought I was going to easily lose your friendship," she whispers. 

"I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change."

Spencer's mind raced to where he knew he didn't want to go. Before he knew it, words were spilling out his mouth, words he wasn't prepared for Maddy to hear. Words he didn't think his head was ready for. His heart, had a difference of opinion. "Maddy, you still could have come to me, I care about you, clearly more than he ever did. Why did you even date him, or let him live with you?" His face now damp with tears from his eyes as he looked her way. 

She paused. Could she be honest here? Yes, she'd have to be if she wanted this friendship of theirs to remain intact. She took a deep breath, and let it all out, "I couldn't risk losing our friendship, it's too important to me. Even after these last couple of years, I could never shake that crush I had on you that started this mess in the first place. I lied to you about Nick because I was also lying to myself. I was falling in love with you all over again, and as hard as I tried to see if you felt the same way-the signals I got from you said it all. So, one night after it was clear to me that you never saw me the same way, I decided to go out to a bar I used to frequent to get high. That's where I met Nick. It only started as an easier way for me to get my fix, but he would say and-and do things that I wish you had. I let myself indulge in something knowing I was hurting myself," she began crying, unable to keep herself together any longer. Spencer rushed to her and pulled her in a hug. He now felt bad, he had only kept his distance and remained friends because of what she had said the first time they met. He knew he was her trigger. He stupidly thought that by forming a friendship with her first, that it would make it go away. He had been wrong. 

"Maddy, Mads, I care about you a lot, too. I wanted us to be friends first, but then we clicked so easily, and I just, I wanted our friendship to remain intact, to stay real. That's why I never acted on any of your advances or any of my suppressed feelings towards you. I was afraid I'd rock the boat," he whispered to her. 

"I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again"

"You called me Mads," she said. She removed her head from his chest and locked eyes with him as she did. She wanted to know that he was being honest and not just saying things to salvage their friendship. She could only see sadness and longing in his deep brown eyes. The same eyes she first noticed years ago. "Spence...?" was all she could breathe out as their foreheads touched. "P-please tell me this is r-real..." she gasped, quickly feeling the tension that was suddenly between them. She opened her eyes once more to meet his. 

"Mads, I've never felt anything more real than when I've been with you," he mustered before leaning in further to close the gap between them. 

"'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been."


End file.
